One Really Bad Day
by Awkward Ninja
Summary: Misfortune upon misfortune for poor Ranma. Perhaps it should be rated T, as there is no sex and no explicit violence save for toe stubbing, but some parents would disapprove of some of it.


Disclaimer: I claim no ownership of the contents of this fanfic: no characters, places, or anything. All plot devices courtesy of Acme. Questions and comments regarding days of the week should be addressed to Professor Marvin Whipple of Raven Oaks University, 16 Wabash Terrace, Detroit, Maryland 249657.

One Really Bad Day

By: Awkward Ninja

Ranma awoke and stretched with a yawn. It was a bright new day. Pops and Mom were out doing whatever it was they did together on vacation and Akane was supposed to be bothering Kasumi. Nabiki had gone away to college and Soun was busy crying about some stupid thing or another. Ranma was the only one present in the Tendo household.

"Creak" said the Onomatopoeia.

Hum. Well, he was _supposed _to be the only one in the household. Ranma crawled out of his window and waited for the intruder to come into his room. It was probably Shampoo or Kodachi. Man, sometimes a simple thing like being handsome was a curse.

Several minutes passed as Ranma waited to no avail. Maybe it was someone else? It could be Happosai. What if Happosai was stealing the Tendo girls' panties?

Ranma began to edge over to Akane's window, but accidentally found a tack with his big toe.

A short fall later and Ranma was back on his feet. Damn, that hurt! What was a tack doing there!? G-damn it! Alright, so maybe it was Mousse?

No, Mousse was more of a ducky potty to the face kinda guy. Ranma snuck into the house to try to find out who it could be that had tricked him – if indeed Ranma had been tricked.

In the house, Ranma listened carefully… nothing. Okay, maybe the person was gone or hiding or something. The first place he decided to check was his own room.

It was terrible. Granted, his room, the long-occupied guestroom, was a bit bare, but what had been done was really something: the walls were all discolored, there was what appeared to be excrement on the floor, and there were oddly shaped holes everywhere. Ryoga could've punched the holes, but what beast would use the floor as a toilet!? Who could be so quiet about this?

Well, Ranma did the best he could cleaning the room up. Someone was messing with him, but he sure wasn't going to let whoever it was complicate his life by laying this destruction on him. He managed to clean up the walls and flush the excrement, but he'd need to get supplies at a hardware store or something to deal with the holes.

The nearest hardware store required him to pass the Nekohanten. Much as he dreaded going near that place, Ranma knew that it would only be a matter of time before Akane, Kasumi, or Soun returned home; any one of them might discover the holes and then that would somehow cause him problems.

"Hey! The Nekohanten!" Daisuke shouted up at a rooftop-bounding Ranma, "It's on fire!"

"What!?" Ranma landed beside his friend.

"I was just running to get you after I called the fire department. Something's holding them up!" Daisuke panted, "Shampoo got hit on the head or something and Mousse ran in after her, but he didn't have his glasses on…"

"I'm on my way!" Ranma began to close in on the Nekohanten by literal leaps and bounds. Before long he could see the flames in the distance.

"Where's the old ghoul?" Ranma thought as he landed amid the crowd that had gathered. Seeing no evidence of the Amazon elder, he ran in through the barrier of flames just inside the doorway.

The interior was so smoky that it was difficult to make anything out. Tables were broken by burning support beams and there was broken glass everywhere. The air was so hot and foul that Ranma held his breath. At first, he didn't see anyone with his irritated eyes.

"Shampoo! I've finally found you! Come, let's get you out of here before this place catches fire!" Mousse shouted to the fire extinguisher he cradled just before he leapt through a window on the other side of a fallen support beam.

Damn! Ranma was certain that was the only fire extinguisher in the restaurant; that was just the way Nerima was.

Before the pigtailed one could ponder further his deteriorating circumstances (what with the being in a disintegrating burning husk and all), powerful jets of water lanced through the building, sending him flying across the room and through the very window that Mousse had used.

He – she, now – hit the ground hard and scraped a knee. She looked up to see a cloaked, hooded figure leaping away with Shampoo over one shoulder.

"Airen! Help Shampoo!" the Amazon yelled as she was carried away.

Ranma was now pretty sure that this was some kind of elaborate plot to marry her to Shampoo. She decided to hedge her bets, though, and follow the trail.

Whoever this guy or girl (this is Nerima, after all) that had taken Shampoo was, he or she was fast. Ranma briefly considered that this might be a genuine kidnapping, but put that thought away with all others in the rooftop-to-rooftop pursuit.

Ranma had almost caught up to her quarry when she stepped on yet another tack.

G-damn it! Now both her feet hurt like bee stings! She slipped and fell from a ledge, but performed a graceful flip from a handstand to her feet, narrowly avoiding a concussion. Not bad.

"Urk Urrrrrk" the Onomatopoeia said.

"That's a bus."

"Thump" the Onomatopoeia replied.

Ranma awoke in a hospital bed, surrounded by her friends and family. And Kuno for some reason.

"W-Where am I?" She asked groggily.

"Do you know who I am?" Dr. Tofu came into view.

"Dr. Tofu?"

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"My life flashing before my eyes."

"You've been out for two weeks now."

"I feel… different, somehow," Ranma muttered as she became more lucid.

"Yes…" Dr. Tofu seemed reluctant to say something, "One of your legs had to be amputated."

"Son of a-!" Ranma shouted.

"But, they took the wrong one the first time and had to take both."

Ranma gibbered a bit.

"Oh! My dreams are ruined!" Genma sobbed into Nodoka's shoulder.

"There, there," Nodoka patted her husband on the back before turning to Ranma, "Your father's having a hard time with this. I'll be back after I can calm him down." With that, Ranma's mother shepherded her father out of the room. Kasumi, Nabiki, and Soun followed solemnly.

"I'm sorry about this, Ranchan," Ukyo sniffled. Then she left the room.

"Don't mind her, Ranma," Akane said softly to her fiancée, "She's just… Ukyo just doesn't know what to say. That's all. I think she's taken this the hardest."

Ranma made a gurgling sound.

"And… I'm sorry about Shampoo and me… we…" Akane choked up, then left the room arm-in-arm with a doting Shampoo.

Ranma almost mustered a "What the hell!?"

So then the pigtailed one was alone with Kuno.

"Ah, my goddess!" Kuno lamented over Ranma, "Tis more than a pity. The churls do not even recognize the depths of your suffering."

Ranma felt ill having him so nearby.

"Your parents could not afford the hospital. I, being ever your adorer, am financing your care, for so ever long it takes until you are vital… as vital as can be."

Ranma was semi-catatonic.

"They have offered your hand in marriage to me as an exchange. I'm afraid that… no… I cannot say it!" Kuno choked, "Pigtailed Goddess! I still want thee with every breath I take! Akane is… well, we shall marry and she can only envy." With that, Kuno left the room.

Ranma was alone for a while to consider what had transpired. This was easily the worst day in her life. Well, technically, it was many days, but it felt like just one.

Then a red man with scales for skin appeared. He had horns and hooves and carried a pitchfork.

"Kodachi?"

"No, it is I: the Devil!" the man bellowed.

"Kodachi?"

"No. Satan. Lucifer. Prince of Darkness."

"Oh," Ranma pretended to understand.

"I'm really sorry about the legs," the Devil offered, "I kidnapped that purple haired chick cuz I knew you turned into a girl. Mistaken identity. Oh, and she was making out with your fiancée. What's up with that?"

"I don't love that uncute tomboy!"

"Thanks for volunteering that. Really. Anyway, I meant to pick _you_ up. All of this was just an accident."

"Were you the one that crapped on my floor?" Ranma asked with a peeved expression.

"That was a joke."

"…"

"Anyway, one Genma Saotome promised the soul of one Ranma Saotome in exchange for mastery of the 'Cat Fist' to be imparted to the aforementioned Ranma Saotome. I have it in writing right here," the Devil produced a contract inked in blood and signed "Genma Saotome" in crude characters.

"At least I won't have to marry Kuno."

The Devil smiled.

"… right?"

Fin

AN 7/29/07

If I can't surround my onomatopoeia with asterisks, then I'll just have my good friend Onomatopoeia do the work for me. You are seeing me shrug now.


End file.
